You are an undergraduate in NUS taking the module ES2007S this semester. In order to complete a class project, you are grouped up with Aaron and Celine, two other students from your class. You got to know them only through this module.
During the first meeting for the project, you realized that Aaron likes to speak with his face close to you and put his arms around your shoulders occasionally. You retreat slightly. You feel uncomfortable since you barely know him, but bore with it and spoke of nothing as you fear that it would embarrass the both of you. Moreover, you sense that he is merely being friendly without any ill intention. In subsequent meetings, he does the same thing to you, but you noticed that he does not behave the same way towards Celine. On one occasion, Celine comes up to you and ask if you and Aaron are dating. You denied but Celine does not seem to believe you. It bothers you a lot and you feel really irritated.
One day, being unable to put up with Aaron’s actions any longer, you shout at him in the presence of Celine, pushing him away at the same time. Aaron and Celine, and even yourself, are shocked at your violent reaction and an awkward silence follows. After this incident, Aaron seems embarrassed whenever he sees you as he does not dare to look at you directly and always try to keep a distance from you.
What is the problem and what should you do?
P.S. For the guys who are responding to this, the roles of Aaron and Celine can be switched such that Celine becomes the one whose behaviour disturbs you.
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Hi Chai Yee,
ReplyDeletePutting myself the your shoes, i can see the starting point of the problem lies within the Celine's behaviour (since i'm a guy, i switched the role) towards me. She definitely has poor interpersonal skills in social context. Why do i say so? It is because she didn't consider the consequences of her actions when she starts to "pour" herself all over me and tried to make it look as if it's just normal and friendly to do so. Apparently, she wanted to give the impression to Aaron that Celine and i are dating, without even taking my feelings into consideration. I thought that such act is self-centered and inappropriate.
However, this matter exacerbated after i embarrassed Celine in front of Aason which i personally thought isn't the ideal way of resolving the matter. This is another problem by itself.
Ideally, i feel that the situation could have been resolved in a more diplomatic manner. I ought to approach Celine and question her on "friendly" actions. Hear her side of the story and analyze the situation appropriately. She maybe too friendly with me maybe because she looks up to me as a brother, or to her, i just reminded her of her ex-best friend, etc. Who knows right? It's good to know the reasons behind her actions. From there, i should explain to her how her "friendly" action has breached your comfort zone and share with her how you feel of her actions.
Since the milk has been spilled, i suppose there's no use crying over it. I would apologize to Celine for my harsh reaction/behaviour towards her the other day and try to patch up the friendship in a more collaborative way. At least, this would make her feel alot more comfortable. Lastly, I should also clear the air with Aaron by explaining to him that there's nothing between celine and me as it was all a misunderstanding.
Hi Chai yee,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ariff that celine has poor interpersonal skills as she failed to recognise the fact that people do need their space. However, in this situation I would have given some indications that I am uncomfortable by retreating or shifting my shoulders away when she "pours" all over me. Personally I would not have bore with it and by giving some signs that I am uncomfortable, hopefully celine would refrain from being too "friendly".
As I am required to complete the project with celine and Aaron, it would be wise to maintain good terms with them. Personnally I would get Aaron to be the mediator as after my outburst, celine will most probably become defensive towards me and nothing I say will be read positively.
If the opportunity do arise during the period of the course, I will take the initiative to apologize to celine for my outburst and like Ariff said, hear her side of the story. Perhaps she might have her own reasons for doing what she did.
Just my two cents worth,
Zhengyang.
Hi Chai Yee,
ReplyDeleteFrom a girl’s perspective, I can really understand where you are coming from. While Aaron’s intentions may be to show friendliness, his actions seemed to speak otherwise. The way you have “chosen youself” does not reflect well on you and has hurt Aaron’s feelings. You could have managed your feelings better by telling him nicely that his actions might be mistaken by many others though you understand that he is just trying to be friendly. You could remind him that he should remember to keep a comfortable distance with his female friends to avoid misunderstandings. You had told him these right from the start instead of keeping everything to yourself until you cannot take it anymore.
Since what’s done cannot be undone, the next step to do now is to make remedy to this situation. You should first apologise to Aaron for being rude to him and explain how you felt all these while. Lastly, tell him that you still cherish him as a friend and hope that after this incident both of you would learn to be more sensitive towards each other’s feelings.
-Xin Wei-
Summary:
ReplyDeleteThe problem in this situation lies with the difference in perceptions between me and Aaron. In Aaron’s mindset, it could be normal to show his friendliness by physically touching. But I am a more conservative person who prefers to maintain a certain physical distance from people whom I do not know well. While he might have thought that there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, I find it hard to acknowledge it.
Right from the start, I should have indicated to Aaron that I feel uncomfortable with his behaviour. I should not have put up with it and avoided facing the problem as this only led to an outburst of the feelings I had accumulated over the time. Revealing my feelings to him earlier might have allowed me to understand the intention of behaviour and helped to reduce the level of misunderstanding between us, thus preventing the ugly situation in the end.
No matter how much displeasure I have in me, I should not have embarrassed him in front of Celine. I should have spoken nicely to him instead of shouting at him. This would definitely ruin our relationship and also hinder the progress of our project. To salvage the situation, I should apologize to him for my inappropriate behaviour. At the same time, I would tell him honestly that he has breached my comfort zone and what I feel. If necessary, I could get Celine to act as our mediator if Aaron has become defensive against me after the incident. I would let Aaron know that I still wish to keep our friendship and also constantly remind each other to be sensitive towards people’s feelings.